in these past three months i got to say a whole lot of hello-s and a whole lot more of good bye-s. i yet again got to know wonderful people and yet again i know that most probably i will never see them again... so what? ...it's better to have lived and been through it than not. it's better to have only a memory of someone being great than nothing at all. it's better to know that you yourself have left a trace in these other people's lives than to not be remembered by anyone and anything just because you were too afraid to one day...
...lose it all.
i have noticed it started happening to me. i don't let myself grow attached to anyone or anything anymore. i have this very special feature: i always know when to stop. it's always just one second away from when things get serious. always just a few moments before falling for someone or something. always just in time to shut my mouth tight before admitting it out loud, just in time to not make it oficial even though deep down it might have already happened.
i have three very best girlfriends. Masha, Nastya and Saule. two weeks ago Masha left for OSCE academy in Bishkek, Kgz. today i saw Nastya off, she left back for Omsk. she found a job there and has already started working. and Saule left for the states two months ago. so at the moment it's only Saule's CD in my player i am listening to now, my memories and me.
i miss my friends. i guess i am so totally alone now i can't help wanting to get out of here. i pray God lets me get visa and then i will too, for once in my life, will be gone. i walk the same streets but i do not see the same faces any more. i have photo albums filled with pictures and tons of books and Cd-s from my friends. but it's like...like it's all different at the same time. at times i see myself like a very little girl walking the big globe. the funny thing is that the globe keeps turning all time with all the things turning also but i am always in teh very same place with only all teh rest being someplace else now.don't know how to explain it better.
...lose it all.
i have noticed it started happening to me. i don't let myself grow attached to anyone or anything anymore. i have this very special feature: i always know when to stop. it's always just one second away from when things get serious. always just a few moments before falling for someone or something. always just in time to shut my mouth tight before admitting it out loud, just in time to not make it oficial even though deep down it might have already happened.
i have three very best girlfriends. Masha, Nastya and Saule. two weeks ago Masha left for OSCE academy in Bishkek, Kgz. today i saw Nastya off, she left back for Omsk. she found a job there and has already started working. and Saule left for the states two months ago. so at the moment it's only Saule's CD in my player i am listening to now, my memories and me.
i miss my friends. i guess i am so totally alone now i can't help wanting to get out of here. i pray God lets me get visa and then i will too, for once in my life, will be gone. i walk the same streets but i do not see the same faces any more. i have photo albums filled with pictures and tons of books and Cd-s from my friends. but it's like...like it's all different at the same time. at times i see myself like a very little girl walking the big globe. the funny thing is that the globe keeps turning all time with all the things turning also but i am always in teh very same place with only all teh rest being someplace else now.don't know how to explain it better.
posted by Diana Golikova @ 3:55 PM
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